Thursday, July 28, 2016

A Rant about Bordello of Blood, chacha


HBO's Tales From the Crypt was a big deal when I was a kid. It was supposed to be cool, these episodic horror tales brought to you by A-list directors, horror vets and recognizable stars, presented to adults, gorier than any network show could be. I tried several times to get into the show -- I STILL make attempts to get into it -- but I just can't. I think I always just had a problem with how the show's not genuine about being scary, not serious about presenting a dramatic or chilling Alfred Hitchcock Presents/Twilight Zone type of anthology. They're about being "tongue-in-cheek," which is just kind of a lazy way of saying "we refuse to take this seriously because we think we're too cool for this stuff." I just don't think the episodes are done well and they rarely are as clever and funny as they think they are.

The show's agenda is to take all of those old EC Comics parables and make fun of them, dressing them up in a big, glossy production, but really just making fun of them and the genre, turning it into comedy. Making it lighthearted, mocking horror is what attracted recognizable stars to the show, because they wouldn't dare be caught dead doing something as lowbrow as a horror. A mocking takedown, though? That's excusable. Excuse me while I roll my eyes. This show is really hokier and unscarier than R.L. Stine's Goosebumps. THAT is how little I think of Tales From the Crypt.

I remember kids at school eventually making a big deal when Tales From the Crypt's first movie, Demon Knight, came out. While I should have expected that I wouldn't like it based on my feelings about the series, I looked forward to it. It was the first movie I rented from Blockbuster, but I really didn't like it. So when Bordello of Blood came out, I didn't even bother. I didn't want to see it. In fact, I'd see the ads and just roll my eyes and think it looked like a From Dusk Till Dawn knockoff, but I already knew it wouldn't be as good as that movie (which I loved at the time), because Tales From the Crypt was never good, period, let alone good enough to rival an awesome movie like that.

I eventually got into the comedy of Dennis Miller, watching a ton of his comedy specials, listening to albums, watching HBO's Dennis Miller Live. (HBO used to rerun that show well after it aired, which is shocking since its topical, but pretty awesome of them to do.) When reruns of Dennis Miller Live from around '96 hit, Dennis would constantly make jokes about Bordello of Blood and how bad he thought it was. I liked Dennis Miller a lot, and even though he always trashed the movie, I felt like I had to check it out. Dennis Miller! In a horror movie! Sure, it's Tales From the Crypt, and I didn't have high hopes because of that, but I eventually did check it out...

It's a weak movie, but better than Demon Knight. And true to Tales From the Crypt form, it's a neat idea, but they trip over themselves to make it "funny" and "campy" at the expense of everything else. A hard-boiled detective noir work about the P.I. investigating a vampire case, where the femme fatale is the head vampire, could be a pretty cool story. Showered with Tales From the Crypt's Cheez Whiz and filtered through HBO's 12 year old "BEWBIES!" mentality, you get this Grade-Z butt burp. But the movie has one saving grace that nobody wants to acknowledge: Dennis Miller. How did I come to that conclusion? Because Miller is the ONLY thing that is actually funny in the movie, and if you remove him, you're left with one of the dumbest, most unwatchable movies ever made.

And Miller had to be ad-libbing most of his dialogue, if not everything. So much of it IS Miller, and he seems like the type to show up and be like "Yeah, this is shit. I'm doing what I want to do." And while HBO had its talons in Miller at the time, since that's where he did his talk show, I'm kind of thinking Miller's name wasn't the first to enter any HBO exec's mind when casting their Tales From the Crypt movie. While there was a period in the mid-90s where he did a few movies, Miller was never setting out to be an actor, and it's not like his humor can be easily placed in a movie. So, I don't know how Miller even came into the mix, but it was to the movie's fortune.

Miller doesn't belong in this movie and he knows it. He uses it. His Rafe Guttman character doesn't belong in his world of degenerates, morons and shitheels that he can't believe surrounds him, but that's his life and what his job brings him. He's a down on his luck P.I. who's smarter -- and smart-asser -- than everyone else in town, looking for any job he can get. He's hired by a woman to find her no-good brother, tracking him down to the vampire whorehouse of the title, making quips all along the way. And while I said this mixture of hard-boiled noir and vampires could have been great played straight, Miller delivers a funny take on the standard jaded private-eye of these stories; he's so run down, he's dealt with such low lives, that he doesn't even really care about the vampires or supernatural shit -- they're low-lives just the same, and he's going to be a sarcastic ass about all of it.

Miller's just having a blast in the role. While a lot of performers in various Tales From the Crypt productions ham it up or go campy or phone it in, Miller's sensibilities just mesh with this character, and I think his kind of easygoing performance isn't the typical looking down on horror and making it a cartoon, in Tales From the Crypt style, but out of disbelief at headlining a movie. I'm not saying Miller's a bad actor, but following his career, I know that acting's not something he set out to do, and it's not like he was even a regular performer back on Saturday Night Live. I get the impression he had agents pushing him to go for roles and make some money. But he works for this role, he's good in the role, he makes it better, he makes it funnier -- he's having a blast and he makes this movie a blast.

The ONLY other person who comes close is Kim Kondrashoff as the weirdo Jenkins. Looking like Lars Ulrich after he heard about Napster and Hulked out, this dude grunts out all of his dialogue like he's taking the world's hardest shit and looks like he's about to have an aneurysm so bad it has its own aneurysm. He's so oddly memorable he's funny. (You can see Miller even about to crack when he's around the guy and not even trying to hide it.)

Other performances are forgettable. Erika Eleniak is miscast; Corey Feldman's more awkward as an adult performer than he ever was as a kid; Angie Everhart just cheeses it up (we needed someone better as Lilith; she needs to be funny, fine, but still seductive, dark, dangerous and mysterious, so I think someone like Tawny Kitaen, Kari Wuhrer, Krista Allen or Tia Carrere would have been better. Too bad they wasted Brenda Bakke in Demon Knight, she could have worked, too.); and Chris Sarandon is disappointingly a ham here, which I guess at least compliments Everhart's cheese. It's neat to have a cast member from The Lost Boys and one from Fright Night, the two classic '80s vampire movies that are constantly pitted against one another by fans, but it probably wasn't even intended.

The movie has no style, certainly isn't scary, and fails to be funny when Miller's not around. So why am I even devoting all of this time to talking about this movie? Because people -- fans and cast members -- blame the movie's sucking ON Miller...! Corey Feldman, who's probably the weakest one in this thing, will actually go around in interviews criticizing Miller's involvement, saying he's not funny in it, calling his involvement "disastrous," and criticizing his performance. WHAT?! Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Felddog? (Feldman also condemns Miller for failing to promote the movie adequately, frequently referring to the way he would supposedly go on Leno and tell people not to bother seeing it. But here's a clip of Miller on Letterman telling people TO go and see it, even if it's just to justify his paycheck.)

That criticism and accusation is not close to being accurate. Miller's the only funny one in this thing, the only one making an effort. I don't want to get political or anything, but it really all comes down to Miller's political views shifting in the early '00s. He was one way for most of his career, and his views changed as he got older, and he was affected by real life events. Prior to that, it was cool to like Miller, he was the thinking person's comedian. But suddenly, it became cool to trash Miller, and even all of his prior works. I'm not a conservative, but I still enjoy Miller's old stand-up and his talk show and still even enjoy some of Miller's recent work. Maybe it's the familiarity since I was such a fan, maybe it's the skill with which he can deliver a joke -- the dude still makes me laugh. I don't always agree with him. (Heck, I didn't even always agree with him before he became a "turncoat." There were a couple of times on his show where I found him to be too judgmental.)

It's entertainment, and sometimes it would be nice if people could look past certain things. They're entertainers, you're not voting them into office where they could affect the way you live. It puzzles me, some of the awful things certain entertainers are accused of, but the press and their fans will look the other way, but there are those who will be run out of town and have legacies torn down over a couple of political beliefs. You probably don't agree with everything your friends and family members believe. Do you shun them? Mock them? Throw away everything they've given you, everything that reminds you of them? Do you go to Rekall and have your memory of them wiped? So why treat freakin' entertainers that way?

Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Ghostbusters, Whaddya Want?


Is it safe to talk about Ghostbusters again? Now that the remake is out, hopefully it is. My feeling on the remake is...I don't like remakes. But Hollywood's in that rut right now and the remakes/reboots/sequels-after-the-fact/etc. aren't going to stop. Now, I don't like remakes, but when it was announced that it would be an all-female cast, my first reaction was "Well, at least that's a different spin." I was heartbroken when Hollywood announced they were remaking The Karate Kid, but it ended up *trying* to do its own sort of thing that it's really just a name-only thing, so it ended up being nothing to get too worked up about.

If you're going to remake something, at least try to do it from a different perspective. Keep the spirit of the characters and movie, but don't be a lazy note-for-note, unimaginative cover song. A team of female Ghostbusters would be a different perspective, something to yield new results and set it apart. I know not all Ghostbusters fans felt the same, but that was my feeling. Early on, you had Bill Murray pushing for Emma Stone to be in it, although she seems too young to me. And I remember comedian Michelle Buteau campaigning to be a Ghostbuster; I think she would have been funny, and have the right New York-kind of attitude. If *I* was trying to cast a female Ghostbusters team? Buteau would work as a sarcastic Venkman-type; as the oddball Spengler-type, Gillian Jacobs; America Ferrera as the the knowledgeable and handy Ray-type; and Jane Lynch as the droll, Average Winston, the voice of reason in a sea of madness. In place of Janine, how's about Gemma Chan as Kanon, a benevolent spirit watching over the 'Busters in the guise of a put-upon, overworked, overqualified secretary? None of those names have the box office clout of a Melissa McCarthy or Kristen Wiig, and I know there are people who would hate MY cast list, but, hey, that's the list I made for my own amusement.

My trepidation about the Ghostbusters remake came when it was announced it would be a Paul Feig movie. I don't like Feig's movies, I don't like his style, and I don't like the way the performers are in his movies. (I've found Feig to be funny off-the-cuff in interviews, I just don't like his movies.) I'm not a real fan of what's considered to be "in" in Hollywood comedies currently. I would have felt exactly the same way if it was Judd Apatow directing the remake, with his usual crew of Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Steve Carell and so on. You know exactly what you're getting with a Feig or Apatow movie, and I know I don't like what their movies are giving you, and I don't like their brand of comedy.

We all know the shitstorm that ensued, and I don't want to dwell on it. For me, the most frustrating thing has been the way that reporters and people involved with the remake and people on forums who think they're cool have gone out of their way to tear down the original movies. This isn't Adventures in fucking Babysitting we're talking about -- a low-tier Reagan-era movie that, sure, has some laughs, and a following, and in its case, the power of nostalgia is stronger than the movie's own powers -- this is fucking Ghostbusters we're talking about! Probably the most popular franchise of the '80s, long considered one of the best comedies, a well-made, always quotable, jam-packed with laughs and creativity film, it had all of those respected SNL and Second City comedic performers who were bulletproof at the time. I don't need to tell you how good the original Ghostbusters is, you know -- you know damn well. It's a genuine classic.

The thing that I always marvel at whenever I watch the original Ghostbusters is just how creative it is. It covers so many genres, it's pitch-perfect, there's never a dull moment, and there was never before a movie like it. It was a complete original. So, it's an insult to denigrate it for the sake of propping up the new, not original work that's capitalizing on its success and the fondness people have for the first. I know some Ghostbusters purists out there have said some vile things in regards to the new movie and those involved with it, but wouldn't a better strategy for the studio to have been trying to win the old fans over, rather than piss them off at every step? Fans can be a kneejerky, complaining lot -- take the higher road, studio.

The thing that irks me is the rewriting of history; people acting like the original was a kids movie that us 30 and 40 year old kid-men just can't get over. Ghostbusters was NOT a kids movie, and was never intended to be one. Kids loved it, yes. They made a cartoon out of it that kids loved more, yes. They also made cartoons out of Rambo and RoboCop, so I guess I'll start calling those kids movies, too. Secondly, a (suspiciously robotic and directed) comment in several reviews for the new movie are that it's "funnier and scarier than the original." People have lumped Ghostbusters in with Gremlins as a kind of kids horror movie. Well, it's neither. Ghostbusters has creepy moments, involves the supernatural, and employed a lot of effects guys with horror backgrounds, but it was never intended to be outright SCARY or a horror movie. Like I said, it taps into a lot of genres, but it was first and foremost a comedy movie, the latest in the line of all of those classic early '80s comedies brought to you by guys like Harold Ramis and Ivan Reitman. (Just because the movie has a PG rating doesn't mean it's for kids; if it had been released just a year later, it would have definitely had a PG-13.)

Goddamn, this remake has caused such a quagmire of piss and bullshit that I didn't even want to devote this much time to it. My whole purpose of this post is to defend Ghostbusters II. If the original is taking a beating lately, then you know the always-unpopular sequel is getting poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, drawn and quartered. I remember the Ghostbusters II mania in 1989 -- that ghost logo with the fucking peace-sign two was all over the place. There was merchandise all over the place. (Except in the one place that matters most for kids: toys. There were no Ghostbusters movie toys back in the day, thanks Bill "Grinch" Murray.) As someone who loved the movie and The Real Ghostbusters, I was excited by the movie, but ended up not being in love with it, especially compared to that year's Batman.

Throughout the years, I definitely preferred the original (way more), put it on a high pedestal, and thought lesser of the sequel. I never outright hated Ghostbusters II the way a lot of people did, but I always saw that it was a clear step down in quality from the first movie. The strange thing is, Ghostbusters II is a perfectly entertaining movie, it has a lot of quotable lines, it's funny, I'm never bored by it. People knock it for being too similar to the first one, but I never thought it was a complete Xerox -- it's different enough. The only real similarity is Dana being targeted again, everything else is nitpicking. You know some sequels that's the Same-Shit-Different-Movie? The beloved Back to the Future movies. Ghostbusters II doesn't reach that level of tediousness.

Honest Trailers treated the movie pretty unfairly, pretty much for the sake of winning points with the Pro-Remake people. I always thought it was a bit clever to have people dispute what the Ghostbusters had done for the city in the first movie, and discredit them. It seemed realistic to me; politicians were going to want to brush it underneath the couch, ordinary citizens probably thought they were frauds or myths even. The Ghostbusters are underdogs, I like that their profession is so crazy and unbelievable, but they handle it like a regular job, and there's all of that typical bureaucratic bullshit even in hunting ghosts! I guess people wanted a sequel where the Ghostbusters were obnoxiously drunk on their own power and treated like rock stars, but I like that they're back at the bottom, still underdogs, with the odds against them...

It feels realistic. It seems very New York City. And that's another thing I think the movie does that's clever -- I guess all of these kids putting together these criticisms and funny little YouTube videos disparaging Ghostbusters II don't remember or never heard the horror stories of what NYC was like in the 1980s. It was a scary place, man. That's one of the brilliant things about Ghostbusters being set there -- the city and its people have such a specific attitude, it really serves our heroes and makes for an ideal setting. If there was one place that would be a magnet for spooks, specters or ghosts, it would be 1980s NYC. NYC was a mean, mean place. So I find it incredibly creative to have a threat in the sequel be the underground river of slime that feeds off negative emotions, and to work that in with NYC's attitude, the dichotomy of the city that it can be a cruel place, yet also has such a perceived sense of community and a camaraderie that they are able to unite and combat that force of evil in the end. The people coming together on New Year's, the city's Times Square celebration being one of the holiday's most famous and symbolic celebrations, is realistic to me, and heartfelt in a way that's not schmaltzy, and works better than, say, the awkward and cheesy "Don't mess with New York!" scene from Sam Raimi's Spider-man.

There's just so much use of New York City -- its spirit and its famous landmarks -- in Ghostbusters II that, frankly, it's surprising that most of it was filmed in Hollywood and that the movie was written by a Canadian. It makes the movie stand-out, and I think there's a lot more good in Ghostbusters II than people like to give it credit for, and I guess it's just too hot to handle, too cold to hold.

And even though I like Ghostbusters II, and think it's sorely unappreciated, like I said, I do acknowledge that it's a step down from the first movie. (It's certainly not "atrocious," as people have described it. Or a "disastrous" sequel like Batman & Robin.) And I'm one of the only Ghostbusters fans who DIDN'T want a Ghostbusters III with the original cast. Sequels so long after the fact have a real bad track record -- most of 'em suck, quite frankly, it's something which experts now call the "Crystal Skull Syndrome." I remember rumors of a Ghostbusters III in the mid-90s that had a new team of Ghostbusters taking over, and the names being thrown out were Will Smith, Pauly Shore and Chris Farley. (The rumor also went that the script was being written by Conan O'Brien.) Can you imagine that? That sounds awful! And you had a problem with the remake!

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Stephen King's IT, based on the novel "IT" by Stephen King


There was a time when miniseries ruled television, and they were an event, goddammit! Some miniseries changed the landscape of pop-culture, some miniseries sought to rival big-screen epics, some miniseries...weren't so great. But the miniseries was THE ideal place to go when you wanted to adapt an overly long novel, or maybe even a known writer's less popular works that Hollywood wouldn't give a shot on the silver screen. You might not get the most money to work with, you might not have the best talent available to you, and you're going to be heavily censored, but the miniseries gave you the time to take on lengthy novels. As is the case of any movie or TV show, the TV-movieshow hybrid that was the Television Miniseries Event was a crapshoot; people can be dismissive of them, but there were good ones.

1990's IT was far from the first adaptation of a Stephen King novel, and it wasn't even the first TV miniseries adaptation of one of his works. I recommend Salem's Lot, but it was before my time, so I don't know how much press it got. But I remember IT being heavily promoted, just plastered on magazines and constantly having commercials aired. I don't know if there was that much faith in IT or if it was all simply a result of the many popular and successful TV miniseries that the 1980s saw. And while IT kicked open the door for ABC's lengthy run of turning just about every Stephen King novel into a miniseries, I feel like IT was pretty much the last truly successful, popular miniseries, and that they soon fell out of fashion afterward.

I was young, but I was a horror freak, and I was massively into IT when it aired and obsessed with it. I remember being so excited when it was released to VHS and renting it -- those two-tape sets that are rubber-banded in video stores -- and then eventually buying it. I had the novel that was a tie-in, with Tim Curry's Pennywise on the cover. (I didn't read it, obviously. I was a kid, and the thing was bigger than an Arby's Big Montana. And that's just the paperback! When I ended up reading IT, I read the damned hardcover, which is like a vintage Olympia typewriter; you could kill someone with that sumbitch.)

There were things that appealed to me as a kid horror fan, but it also has layers that I appreciate more as an adult, and it's a movie that I think works well and holds up, so I've always been surprised that, despite its success at the time, it's a movie that divides the horror fans. A lot aren't happy by its TV Movie-ness, a lot aren't happy that it isn't faithful to King's novel down to the letter, a lot of people think the cast is cheesy. I've mentioned before what a King fan I am, what he means to me as a horror fan growing up in the '80s, and while I've always liked this movie, I put off reading the book. And when I finally did? No offense, I prefer this movie.

What was the appeal for me? Probably that it was a serious horror movie centered on kids; one that didn't pull punches and wasn't filled with cloyingly cute characters or ones who only exist in Hollywood scripts, where they're mini-adults who know and can do everything. These felt like regular kids, really relatable -- I knew kids like this, I identified with most of these kids. They're kids who are leading kind of depressing lives in dreary old Derry, and they're smart, but they retain some of that innocent and young belief in the otherworldly. They're outsiders, but they come together in their shared sense of loneliness and bond over their shared experience with unhappy lives, bullies and the terror of IT. They're kind of like a team of superheroes. And how tragic and unfair is it that IT targets these particular kids, who already have such sad lives?

One portion of the movie that disturbed me when I was a kid was all of the parts relating to Georgie. My kid brother would sneakily follow me around, attach himself to me, and I'd worry about the sumbitch. So all of the gruesome scenes with Georgie, and Bill's pain at losing him, I found all of that so unsettling. And it leads to these moments that help convey what an absolutely evil bastard Pennywise is, like when he creepily leaves an old photo of Georgie at a new crime scene or the way he's always tormenting Bill with the paper boat he made for Georgie. And then there's the creepy scene of Georgie's picture coming to life and bleeding -- I hated that.


And what really interests me, as I got older, was the way they come back together as adults to face their old childhood enemy again. Again, I see it as almost superhero-like, but there's a real tragedy in the way their lives went; they mostly all fled Derry and its horrible memories, and while they mostly found success in their careers, they are still as broken and haunted as they are scattered from one another. It took a tremendous amount of courage for them to face IT as children, but they had a certain amount of faith then. I feel it takes even more courage for them to all rush back to Derry to keep their promise to face IT again, as traumatized adults, broken by their unhappy childhoods and fears, which have led to some of them to falling into patterns of pain -- they may have escaped Derry, its dreariness and IT, but it's still all with them, deep down. (Ben distracts himself with booze and women; Beverly is stuck with an abusive and controlling boyfriend, echoing the relationship with her dad; Eddie is unhappily still living with his controlling mother; Richie is jaded and busies himself with work -- and in the novel, is a drug user; Mike has damned himself to a depressing life in Derry, keeping an eye open for IT's return; Stan is unable to contemplate facing it again, and in despair, takes his own life, in what is a strong and sorrowful end to Part 1.) There's just a sadness and pitiful quality to these characters now that they're older, with the odds against them, and trying to find the courage to face their fears one last time.

Most people think Part 1 of the miniseries is its best part, and it IS really good and well done. It's a breezy 90 minutes, that doesn't quite feel rushed, yet manages to pack SO much story and characters into it that I don't even know how they pulled it off. It balances from the past to the present smoothly, hitting all the right beats of who our characters are and filling in each of their individual experiences with IT which leads to them ultimately coming together to face IT in hopes of killing it. Fans of the novel complain that the miniseries dilutes too much of the novel, that the novel is deeper and richer, but I think the movie did a fine job of keeping the essential portions of the story. There's a lot of extraneous detail in the novel, a lot of surprisingly wrongheaded and gratuitous turns. (You know what I'm talking about, if you've read the book. It's a segment that screenwriter-director Tommy Lee Wallace rightfully criticizes and dismisses in the commentary track.) The miniseries is pared down, not just by the limits of budget and television, but by wisely jettisoning some of the novel's excessiveness, and I think it ends up making the movie more grounded, less outlandish, more emotional, more mysterious and therefore creepier.

Some people say the novel does a better job of getting you to know and feel like one of the Loser's Club. While many criticize the miniseries' casting of sitcom vets as the adults, I think a great advantage to having so many faces from familiar, popular shows is that shorthand -- you're so familiar with some of these performers from having seen them in so many episodes of whatever, and you have likable people like John Ritter or Harry Anderson or Richard Thomas or Tim Reid that you take a quick liking to them, you feel like you know them, and you therefore feel like they're old friends. And I feel like the production is aware of that, and does put that to use. And they manage to get good, likable kid performers, and block-by-block establish their relationship, while cutting back and forth to the present day so you know who's who and you're able to quickly care for them.


People like to poke fun at the "sitcomy" cast, but Thomas, Annette O'Toole, Dennis Christopher and Richard Masur are dramatic actors, and even John Ritter started out as a dramatic actor. I always thought this cast goes pretty unappreciated. They do a great job here, and convincingly convey their friendship and history of shared pain. Would you rather prefer Rick Springfield or some 90210 cast members? The cast we got took their work seriously, with director Tommy Lee Wallace giving them ample rehearsal time to bond. Several cast members had already known each other and worked together, which was an advantage for the project, and the adult actors were adamant about meeting up with their kid counterparts to work on creating similarities.

And horror fans should at least appreciate O'Toole and Christopher's involvements, after they were in Cat People and Fade to Black, respectively. There's also Olivia Hussey -- Black Christmas, come on! I used to question Michael Cole's casting as the older Henry Bowers, because he seemed so much older than the rest of the cast members, but I think it works to the story's advantage in conveying what a harsh life Bowers has had. Bowers was a sadistic piece of shit, but how crazy is it that he loses his mind in the sewers when he was a kid and ends up taking the fall for Pennywise's crimes?

I think Part 2 of the miniseries is thought lesser of because it's more of a straightforward narrative; it takes its time, it's about the team reuniting, the dread building within them as they prepare to take IT on. There's less of the flashbacks, it's a really focused, singular storyline, so it's not as impressively packed as Part 1, therefore maybe seeming "boring" to viewers. I think the slower pace works in building the dread in these characters; I don't think it's a negative, I don't feel like Part 2 is padded or dull, I disagree with the criticism against it. If anything, Part 2 is more somber, and perhaps that's what turns people off, whereas Part 1 had more humorous moments and levity with the younger versions of the characters and the nostalgic setting of 1960. (I don't want to be insulting and say "it was a simpler time." I disagree with that shit, there's never been a "simpler" time. But pop-culture has certainly made certain time periods, like the '50s and a brief period of the early'60s, come across as a warm and fuzzy period of innocence and happiness.)

Whether you like this movie or hate it, one thing everybody can and does agree on is Tim Curry's awesome, classic, excellent performance as Pennywise. Think of what it usually takes for an actor to break through with a character and create an iconic, definitive take. With the snobbery of movies versus television, movies are usually only taken into consideration in terms of this. Bela Lugosi IS Dracula, Christopher Lee IS Dracula, Gary Oldman IS Dracula. Jack Palance, Louis Jourdan? Nobody talks about them. They're not contenders, they were in "lowly" TV movies. (By the way, despite all of the critics who say we're currently in a "golden age" of television, the stigma and snobbery of movies/cinema over television still remains.) But Tim Curry takes this role and performs magic with it, creating one of the top fan favorite horror villains, one who's always included in the big line-up of Great Horror villains alongside heavyhitters like the Universal Monsters and Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers -- all from just a criticized, "lowly" TV movie that's over 20 years old.


What's shocking is just how little Pennywise is in the movie -- or at least Curry. Billed as a "special guest appearance," Curry was probably the biggest name in the movie at the time, and it's apparent that they only had a limited amount of days to work with him. He appears sparingly, and rarely even interacts with the main cast, which says to me he was such a get, that they had to film all of his stuff on separate days, reading to crew members. But it's such a strong, incredible performance, that you don't even notice any of that -- he's such a dominating presence, it feels like he's in much, much more of the movie than he actually is. And what's great about his performance is just how much he's able to do with this mysterious, vague character, how terrifying and intimidating he can make the character, but also how silly and entertaining he can turn around and make Pennywise be. Pennywise is given some intentionally moldy jokes to say at times, but Curry sells the hell out of it and manages to make you laugh at World's Worst Jokes like "Prince Albert in a Can." Royal Shakespeare Company, baby. Like the trained actor he is, you can tell Curry read the novel, especially with the way he mispronounces "correct" the way Pennywise does in the book.

(I think it was a missed opportunity not to have Tim Curry, sans make-up, playing the gas station attendant Audra encounters. The character is just yet another one of Pennywise's disguises, but it would have been a neat touch -- especially if they had given him a name-tag that said "Bob," alluding to IT's Bob Gray disguise in the novel.)

When I was a kid, I was always interested in the sort of behind-the-scenes details of things, I paid attention to movie credtis, I had a fascination with actors who were diverse and I couldn't quite picture it when I realized that this performer is the same one who played that such-and-such character. I remember eventually renting the movie Clue when I was a kid, well after seeing IT and being obsessed with IT, and my mom pointing out Tim Curry, telling me he played Pennywise. I was just like "Huh, what, really?!?" I could see the resemblance to Pennywise, but was pretty astonished at the transformation.

And he's working through a design that's...creepy, yes, but a fairly understated design. I don't say that as an insult, I like how low-key and simple Pennywise's look is -- he's not far off from any ordinary clown design and outfit. It's all really in Curry's performance, the anger and sinister side and evilness of the character. But he's funny and quick to turn on the charm. Some people question why IT decides to take the form of Pennywise the Dancing Clown the most, and I question what those people don't understand about the concept. You don't need to suffer from coulrophobia to find clowns creepy; there's something just inherently spooky about them. And yet at the same time, clowns are meant to represent fun and joy and entertainment. Who loves clowns? Kids. What is IT's target? Children. So, it should be obvious why IT chooses the form of a clown as a way to lure IT's prey in.


There's also people who knock the movie for having IT take the form of movie monsters like the Teenage Werewolf and Mummy, using it as a way to insult the movie and call it "cheesy." These moments might not necessarily scare the audience, but are necessary in context of the story; if IT was using these two forms to scare the adults, I'd agree it's lame. But he's using it to scare the kids. When are those movie monsters scariest? When you're a kid. I have some embarrassing stories of being scared of movie monsters when I was a kid. You do, too, don't deny it! There was a time when I was a kid, when I was rummaging through a box of junk in our basement, and at the bottom was a folder with Freddy Krueger on it, and I ran out of the room. Literally, like a cartoon character, I think I was walking on air as I got the hell out of there. I loved Nightmare on Elm Street, and it was MY folder, and I knew Freddy was just Robert Englund, but being alone in the basement and the shock of finding that image when it wasn't expected -- sent me running out of the room like a nut.

The big criticism, in terms of the shapes IT takes when it comes to the final big form... People are puzzled by and question the choice of the gigantic spider. I always thought the answer to why it was a spider was pretty simple: one of Stephen King's big phobias is spiders. So he has his big monster, which takes the shape of whatever you fear most, reveal its ultimate physical shape as his own big fear. All it is is King putting something personal on the page, no different from the fact that a main character in every one of his stories is often a writer of some variation.

But what is IT, really? That's something the movie tries to keep a little mysterious by its paring down the novel, and something that works to its advantage. Is IT an evil spirit? A monster? A demon? Is it a supernatural collection of everyone's fear? Is it, as some suggest (and I disagree with) merely the shared psychosis of the kids it targets? The movie doesn't dwell far from the book, but makes it blurry -- it just hints that IT's true form is a madness-inducing light, which Stan sees and calls the "deadlights." Pennywise tells them that the human mind cannot comprehend his true form, but the giant spider is apparently IT's biggest weapon, saved for when IT's in its lair and taking on the grown-up Losers Club.

Well, the book reveals that IT...originated as an alien organism that was attached to a meteorite that landed in what became Derry...? Yeah, the book gets all weird and becomes a metaphysical, metacosmic acid-trip. People criticize the movie for its final battle being between the Losers and the giant spider form, but the book is just unfilmable. There's still a giant spider, but King throws in some pseudo-spiritual stuff with Bill lost in IT's "deadlights" and getting help from IT's longtime enemy, a giant tortoise and...whaaaaaaaaaa? Now, I find a lot of King's climaxes to be rushed or disappointing, and this one is no different. I guess he thought -- and it's understandable -- that by the time you've hit page 1,000, the reader is just going to want it to end, no matter how insane or weird, so, hey, might as well just throw whatever at the page, eh?


I've stuck up for the miniseries and its TV budget, but I can not stick up for the spider effect. First of all, it makes its debut appearance in some clunky Claymation. Secondly, the size wildly varies. At first it's humongous, but then it's practically no bigger than Bill and the gang. Finally, it barely looks like a spider, it looks more like an anorexic BrundleFly that's been stepped on. Actually, it's more crustacean looking than arachnid. I'd be willing to overlook it if the scene is strong, but it initially isn't due to their trying to hide this spider effect. Our heroes look a bit dumb when Bill's like "I'll fight you, bastard!" And then gets frozen by staring at the deadlights. And then Ben's like "I gotta help Bill!" and then gets frozen by catching a glimpse of its deadlights. And then Richie is like "Hey, guys, snap out of it!" and gets frozen by the deadlights. Eddie takes the gambit of repeating his inhaler attack, which is kind of ludicrous when the spider's so damn huge, and he gets himself quickly killed, while Bev is trying to find the silver jewels to shoot IT with after missing the target.

That part of it is kind of ho-hum for me, but I like the follow-up; once Bev has successfully injured IT (she shoots silver into its deadlights, which is unfortunately ruined by an effect that basically looks like the firework explosion from the credits of Love, American Style superimposed over the spider's abdomen) and the three guys snap out of their deadlights daze, Eddie dies in their arms and the four just stare at the entrance of IT's lair in pure hate and rage. They then storm the room and beat the ever loving shit out of the giant spider, tearing it to pieces, ooze covering the spider and their hands, as they rip out its heart and hold it in victory. The actors sell the rage as they beat up this plastic CrabSpider, and I think it's a strong scene, and it's sold even more by playing Tim Curry voiceovers, of him just howling in pain, as IT dies, its lights fading. (They literally punch IT's deadlights out.) So, that makes up for the lackluster spider effect for me, the intensity of that scene, the brutality and drama behind it.

One thing the book has over the movie is that once IT dies, there's a horrific flood that sweeps through Derry. It's a bit Biblical, and it represents IT losing its hold over the town. Not an entirely necessary thing for the movie to keep, and certainly not within its budget, but I think it's symbolic and further adds to the Loser Club's hard fought victory.

I like this movie, I think it works, I think it has a lot of heart and emotion, as well as scares and a classic movie monster in Tim Curry's Pennywise. The cast and director taking it seriously and treating it with respect comes across and I think IT is the best miniseries adaption of a King work. And the DVD is one of my favorite DVD releases ever, with the cleaned up picture, fun menus (the balloon cursor bursts into a blood splat when you select something!) and a really entertaining commentary track.

There's been talk for years of an IT remake, first as a new television miniseries and now as a feature film. The feature film has had a revolving door of cast and crew members, but seems to be finally getting off the ground. As of this writing, Swedish actor Bill Skarsgard has been cast as Pennywise, replacing the previously announced Will Poulter. I'm concerned with how young they're casting Pennywise. Whoever plays Pennywise has extra-large clown shoes to fill, and I don't know if a younger performer could come close to what Curry did in the role. (Skarsgard is only as old as the miniseries!) I'm also afraid that the new movie will go too extreme with Pennywise's look, being overstylized and making him constantly look monstrous and weird and forgo the minimalist approach the miniseries took.

Most of the book fans who trash the miniseries are excited about this new movie, and I don't understand why they think it will be any truer to the novel they're so protective of. To do the novel perfectly, you'd probably have to adapt it as a three-season show on HBO or Showtime. A theatrical movie is going to have to excise just as much, if not more, than the miniseries did. I think a lot of viewers and moviemakers today are incredibly cynical, so I don't think a new movie will have the heart or sentimentality that the story requires AND that the original movie worked so hard to bring to life. And if the kid portion is going to be set in the '80s instead of the '60s... Current pop-culture has sucked the '80s dry. And, besides, the '80s have never had the warm and glow that decades like the '50s and '60s have been given, so it's not going to work the same. The biggest difference will be in the gore and language department. I guess maybe people are just that desperate to hear "This is battery acid, fucknuts!"

One last laugh.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

(Rob Zombie's) Halloween II


Zombie's first Halloween was so bad, it was almost funny. I mean, I can easily picture it winding up some sort of campy thing. This one surprisingly takes itself so seriously that it doesn't have the color of the first one, which opened it up and gave it a wacky life. There's actually a couple of things about the movie I find interesting, but it's just doomed in Zombie's hands, especially when his heart's just not in these Halloween movies.

But for anything interesting the movie might do, count on Pulitzer Prize-winning Robert Zombé to deliver more of the same shit that made the first one horrible; stupid dialogue, more F-Bombs per second (more F-Bombs than Scarface and Pulp Fiction combined!), lewd characters (complete with a coroner who goes on about how hot a young dead woman's corpse is), and yet again a nude Danielle Harris ending up a bloody pulp. (There's also a completely gratuitous scene of Michael chasing and killing a fully nude stripper. The whole point of the scene is Michael getting revenge on the people who ran the strip joint his mom worked at. Shouldn't he have taken pity on the stripper? If Zombie's goal was to make Michael more "realistic," wouldn't that have been an interesting turn to take, rather than have him killing everything that he shares a scene with, his usual MO?) But, hey, at least he cools it with the shaky cam, right?

The first 20 minutes is a fake-out, a dream sequence in which the only scare is the idea that this sucker's going to be a full-blown remake of the original Part 2, set in a boring hospital. That, thankfully, doesn't turn out to be the case. Although the filmmakers are under the impression that the rest of the movie is "original" material from Zombie, I think it's kind of a semi-remake of Parts 4 and 5 -- Laurie having a seemingly psychic connection to Michael the way Jamie does in 5, and the movie ending up teasing that Laurie will be the franchise's new killer, the way Part 4 teased with Jamie.

I like that Laurie is now living with Annie and her dad (it's pretty surprising that Annie survived the first one), and they're just trying to get back to normal after the trauma of the first movie. Laurie's having nightmares, Annie's become cold. Laurie's picking up those weird psychic vibes from Michael and having the same dreams as the visions we're shown Michael has, and she's fearing for her sanity, even having nightmares of killing Annie. Laurie finding out she's related to Michael gets her to fall over the edge. This is an interesting idea and direction to take the character, but it's an area of psychological drama and emotion that Zombie can't pull off. (And he's certainly not interested in making these characters people, people with heart and soul and emotion.) And it's delicate, tricky material for a performer to handle and I think it's out of Scout Taylor-Compton's reach. She gets to that point again where she's just bawling all of her dialogue (tearlessly) and you're annoyed with the performance rather than feeling for the character.

One of the huge problems Zombie has with writing is that he makes all of his characters be into the same things he's into -- '70s stuff, hillbilly stuff. Which, fine, writers are going to put themselves in their characters and writing, but you also need to be truthful to the characters you're creating. While teen girls obviously don't just listen to fluffy pop junk, how many teen girls do you think are into Zombie faves like the MC5 and Alice Cooper? How many teen girls who survive a trauma like Laurie and Annie are going to have posters of Charles Manson in their bedroom, with "WWCD" written above it? How many teen girls are eager to go to a Halloween party to see a psychobilly band that plays with strippers on stage? Do you think teen girls nowadays really greet each other with a "Hey, dick lickers," or "Wassup, ho?"

Not only do all of his characters act like him, but Zombie makes all of the characters look like him, too. Michael spends a big portion of this movie maskless, and while he remains in the shadows, you can see that he's the biggest dead-ringer for Zombie. It's hilariously ridiculous when he puts the mask on over that monstrous, Zombie-like grungy beard, and the beard's poking out. It makes those dumb neck flaps hanging out in Part 5 seem less stupid.

Another unintentionally ridiculous Michael moment in this movie: repeated scenes of him SLOWLY walking through massive fields. These scenes make it look like he's walking cross country to get to Haddonfield, but, no -- he's already in Haddonfield, and it takes him a year to find Laurie. (I guess because he got caught up in slowly walking through random fields.) It's also funny the way Zombie has Myers teleporting in these movies, it's like he's the X-Man Nightcrawler. He'll actually just appear out of nowhere and get the drop on people. We see a wide shot, an open area with absolutely nobody around but a single character, yet somehow in the next shot Michael just materializes without the character noticing. (In the first movie, a guy's lighting a smoke on the porch of his house, and in the next shot Michael attacks him from the front. The power of editing, because there's no way that guy didn't notice Michael.)

Much has been made about the dream/vision sequences in the movie. A lot of fans find it stupid, a lot of movie critics liked it. I'll give it points for being an original idea Zombie brings to the movie(s), and the questions it raises whether it's all supernaturally induced or a psychotic break. But, really, it's just a shameless way for Zombie to use his wife again, when her character died in the previous flick. He overuses the idea, though, and it comes across like a music video forced into the movie. (And, oddly enough, not a White Zombie music video, but a mid-90s Smashing Pumpkins video.) What I don't really understand is why Deborah Myers represents these visions of evil when...Deborah was pretty much the ONLY member of the Myers family who came close to being normal and kind. It might make sense for Michael to have a fixation on her, and sort of fuel him, but not Laurie.

The major source of life in this movie, though, is Brad Dourif. He not only brings some actual levity to the movie, but warmth and humanity...! The movie is so grim and mean, and while I think that's something that works in its favor and helps the atmosphere and its eventual bleak climax, it really helps to have some genuinely human, honest moments, and those mainly all come from Dourif's performance as Sheriff Brackett. He's an ordinary guy who wants to do right by everyone, he wants to protect Laurie and Annie (even after harm comes to Annie a second time, instead of resigning and placing blame on Laurie, as you can imagine another movie doing, he gets out to look for Laurie).

That he's the one guy in the movie that seems the most normal is something I pretty much attribute to Dourif. It's pretty shocking the amount of reliable character actors Zombie's able to round up for his movies, but guys like Dourif are pros who are pretty much always good and always elevate what they're in. Character actors are taken for granted. Dourif and Danielle Harris are really the main reasons you care about Annie's fate in this movie; it's tragic that she dies so violently after surviving a previous attack, but she's barely in the movie, and Zombie's writing just makes you not care.

Loomis' scenes all play out like something from another movie. Just scene after scene of him being an insufferable ass about his book, while facing a lot of ridicule for writing the thing. He's a little unnecessary to the movie, and has a last minute change of heart, which doesn't feel authentic because of the way the character's behaved for two movies and for how lightly Malcolm McDowell takes everything. Like I said, the movie is grim, and there's a doom hanging over it, and Loomis' change of heart, which costs him his life, COULD have had an impact, providing the character some pathos, but that's just not in Zombie's area of interest.

The ultimate doomed character is Laurie. Whether it's genetics or the trauma of what she went through -- or even supernatural interference -- she snaps and ends the movie institutionalized. She gives a Psycho-y smirk to the camera, as she sees the vision of Ma Myers, hinting that she'll be the next installment's killer. I think that's a pretty interesting idea. Friday the 13th and Halloween had hinted at something like that before, with the Tommy Jarvis and Jamie Lloyd characters, but they chickened out. And it wouldn't have had the same impact since they were kids. Scout Taylor-Compton's Laurie is old enough, and it would have been an interesting tragedy to have a character who was normal, decent, but went through hell twice and came out becoming the same kind of monster who ruined her life. It would be interesting to follow the story of a hero in one of the movies falling from grace and actually becoming a villain.

Not only are female killers rare in slasher movies, but it would have been interesting to see that kind of reinvention, a changing of guard in a long running franchise; a new face representing the franchise, and isn't that what the point of a true remake or reinvention should be? How different would Laurie as the killer have been from Michael? Would she try to fight some of the murderous impulses and deny her bloodline? How would Taylor-Compton play this version of Laurie? What would killer Laurie's look be -- would she have a variation of the Shatner mask? Well, Part 3 was kiboshed, but it wouldn't have mattered -- Zombie's not the writer to pull this off and, again, this stuff's not his area of interest. He just likes gore and F-bombs and extreme vulgarity and '70s references and overpopulating his movies so he can cast his favorite character actors.

John Carpenter has expressed regret at making Laurie Michael's long-lost sister in his Part 2 script. Zombie had the benefit of hindsight, and could have looked over the franchise's lore and history and made adjustments and improvements, creating a truly reinvented trilogy of films that culminated in an original idea of having the star heroine fall to darkness. I'm against remakes, but there was potential there! They could have been good movies! And for as much as he says he's a horror fan, it seems to me Zombie just doesn't have faith in the genre or its fans to try a serious attempt at making a dramatic movie or a movie with soul or a movie with human characters connecting. To put it bluntly: it was a *colossal* mistake to get him for these movies.

THE END...?

The franchise has been dead since Zombie's sequel, with no real sign of where it's headed -- they've announced a new movie and its falling through a few times already. (Sure enough, there's been an announcement recently about Carpenter producing a new one.) And what has this whole endeavor taught me? Not much I already didn't know. This marathon didn't respark my old love for the franchise. Weaker installments didn't seem improved, and I've actually come to like the original Part 2 less. It's still difficult to watch H20 without thinking of truly, terrible, awful Resurrection. I was left with a renewed frustration and anger at the turns this franchise took and the lows it hit. I truly feel like Halloween has the worst sequels of the big slasher franchises, and sequels so bad that they ruin the ones that WERE good or that you liked. I was about to buy Shout Factory's big Blu-ray box set for the sake of these reviews, and I'm glad I didn't.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Rob Zombie's Halloween (AKA Halloween: A XXX Parody)


This movie is so bad it would be laughable, if only it wasn't such a sad, sad abomination. I'd like to leave it at that, but I won't. Zombie's fortunate to follow Resurrection. He must have just had carte blanche -- "No worries about not being able to write dialogue, pal. It HAS to be better than Resurrection!" Well, just barely, and that's for the unintentional laughs, the disbelief you as a viewer experience, thinking "Jesus! Somebody not only MADE this, but they thought it was good enough to RELEASE! Un-fucking-believable!" Zombie thinks he's being edgy by showing Michael's childhood, but it's one horribly written Jerry Springer cliche after cliche, and then the movie becomes a bad cover tune of the original classic.

You watch this movie and can't believe anybody working on it thought it would be good. It's so stupid, they couldn't be taking it seriously, right? But, no, Zombie has plenty of interviews where he talked about making Michael "scary" again, and fleshing out why he does what he does. But, man, does Zombie miss the mark, unless he finds hillbilly cliches, shaky-cam and terrible dialogue to be the scariest things in the world. Everybody is so vile and vulgar in his movies. Who talks like the people in this movie? Who behaves this way? Does Zombie seriously think this is realistic dialogue? What the fuck goes on when he's out on the road, if this shit is what he considers to be a reflection of life?

The movie is full of over-the-top violence (for the sake of it) and trashy, foul-mouthed cliches. Nearly very female character in it acts like the worst example of a trashy groupie you can think of. (Which I guess is what you get when you get a rock star to write movies.) Not only do most of the female characters act like, I don't know, Stifler from American Pie, but Zombie has nearly every actress show skin and lingers on the nudity to the point where it all just feels lewd. Zombie's a fan of '70s exploitation movies, and this movie veers too far into that territory, lingering on the violence against women until it begins to slip into a I Spit on Your Grave level of discomfort. (You'll feel especially uneasy during a lengthy scene where Michael is battering around a topless and bloody Danielle Harris, especially considering her history with the franchise.)

It's like all of the things critics unfairly accused the 1978 Halloween of being -- sexist, misogynistic, trashy -- Zombie made sure his movie actually was, kind of to the detriment of the first movie's legacy. I wonder what the late Debra Hill, co-writer of the original -- who tried hard to make the women characters authentic and treat them fairly -- would have had to say about Zombie's remake.

The whole movie is just Zombie giving the finger to the franchise and its fans. From muddying its name to creating pretty obnoxious versions of classic characters like Laurie and Loomis (who here isn't a heroic modern Van Helsing, but a greedy, uncaring, opportunistic, unlikable shithat). I know Zombie claims to be a horror fan, but it seems to me he doesn't like Halloween, or doesn't respect it. (I think he thinks he's too cool to be doing Halloween movies, yet another problem with getting a rock star to write and direct the goddamn thing. Because P.J. Soles has a story about how hard Zombie was geeking out over a copy of her original Halloween script she gave him.) His two Halloween movies are proof enough, but just look at how he doesn't understand Michael.

Michael was a normal kid from an average, middle class family, who just one night snapped. The unexplainable, unknown reasons he snapped is what's meant to be terrifying. (And I know Zombie's spoken derogatorily about how the original handles this, but he thinks his version is an improvement?!) Why'd Michael snap? It's something only Michael knows. Not even the patient and wise Loomis can break through, so his only conclusion is that Michael is evil. So, to not only give Michael this cliched trailer park background, but also depict him being a psycho well before that Halloween night? That alone misses the mark, in a movie that continuously misses the mark.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Halloween: Resurrection (aka Busta vs. Michael)


A cheap, pathetic, uninspired cash grab. This movie's doomed from the start. Bringing back the director of the dull Halloween 2 for one. And Busta Rhymes getting top billing is just a sign that the movie's going to be a joke, and it is. And not a good joke at that.

The first fifteen minutes of the movie does its best to completely ruin H20, what it had accomplished, and its stellar ending scene. Laurie had taken her fate into her hands and runs over Michael, the van crash resulting in Michael being pinned between the vehicle and a tree. Laurie approaches him and for the first time in his six appearances, we get a reaction out of Michael. Michael's confused, panicked. He doesn't know what to do, and reaches out to Laurie. For a split second, both the viewer and Laurie take a kind of pity on him. But just as quickly, Laurie lops off his head as the Halloween theme kicks in. It was a great way to wrap up her storyline, it was a great send-off for Michael. A brutal, but strong finish to the movie...

We're not fools, we know that the power of corporate greed will resurrect Michael, but I don't think you could come up with a stupider way to explain his return than what Resurrection offers, which is something that COMPLETELY -- COMPLETELY! -- ruins not only H20's final scene, but the entire movie (and the Laurie Strode character -- why break one thing when you can break a bunch of things is Resurrection's motto). Apparently, that crafty Michael, at one point in H20's final act, switched places with a paramedic. That's right, Michael crushes the guy's larynx and swaps outfits with him. Never before have we seen Michael concoct such plans and be steps ahead like this, but, hey... Meanwhile, this genius paramedic is just stumbling around. I mean, think of the end of H20. Michael's trying to attack Laurie, he ambushes her from the back of the van, he walks off flying through the windshield when she wrecks it, he survives the crash that only Michael could...but apparently it's just Bob, the stupidest paramedic who ever lived. When he's pinned between a van and a tree, larynx or no, I think he'd be doing more than holding his head and reaching out to Laurie, as she approaches him with an axe. But, hey, fuck logic when we can ruin a good sequel to pump out a shit one. Too bad they decided against having Michael call out Laurie's name in that last H20 scene, proving it's Michael, and maybe making the Resurrection writers come up with a less stupid retcon.

Laurie beheads Stupid the Paramedic and snaps as a result. She should have just shaken it off like Loomis. "Oh, well, that's the price for looking like Michael Myers, Ben Tramer." Besides this wonderful retcon, which is shat upon us with an extremely clumsy exchange between two Academy Award-winning actresses, Michael just happens to find this mental hospital Laurie's at. Despite the misleading ads -- when I saw the ads, I thought Laurie was going to be the franchise's new Loomis -- Jamie Lee Curtis only agreed to come back if she gets killed at the movie's start, so Laurie gets to look stupid and gets one of the most lackluster death scenes in the history of horror. Fans love Laurie Strode, they think she's a strong character. We've seen her survive for three movies now. Jamie Lee Curtis is a popular actress, one of the genre's biggest successes. I think the character deserved a little more than being suckered into a trick of Michael's, stabbed, and tossing off a super-generic "See you in hell" line before falling to a CGI doom. It's bullshit.

The movie thinks it's one of those slick '90s, Scream-y, WB-star studded slasher movies, but it looks like it has the budget of a Sega CD game, with the cheapness of Canadian cost-cutting to match. (The whole point of having it be a "reality" show, filmed on mini-cams, is cheapness and convenience on the filmmakers' part.) It wants to be timely, but it's instantly dated, with reality shows, internet broadcasts and chat rooms playing important roles in the movies. The characters are uninteresting, the kills are dopey, and the way they have characters distracted in order for any killing to go on in such a tiny location (the entire action takes place in the Myers HOUSE) is dumb. (Tyra Banks misses one of her cameramen being killed because she's too busy dancing while making an cappuccino.)

And the movie just keeps kicking you in the face with one stupid scene after another. (Like Busta Rhymes dressed like Michael "hilariously" dressing down the real Michael, who he thinks is a fake. Sides split, man.) Even if you disregard the insulting stupidity of the first fifteen minutes and how it desecrates a far superior movie, you're left with an incredibly weak, forgettable, bottom of the barrel movie with an ill-fitting gimmick.

The movie would have been better off not even including Jamie Lee Curtis or trying to explain Michael's surviving H20 -- the movie's so corny that they might as well have just made it Michael's spirit haunting the Myers house and terrorizing the contestants of Busta Rhymes' terrible reality show. A lousy premise is bad enough, but tanking H20 adds insult to injury; because even if you remove the first 15 minutes, you'd still be left with the movie that killed the franchise. It's that bad, judged on its own. Every one of the slasher movies has its own worst, horrid, unwatchable movie, and this one is definitely Halloween's, and a close race with Hellraiser: Hellworld for title of Worst of the Worst Sequels. It was a damn struggle to rewatch this movie to write about it. There's no redeeming quality to it, nothing but the pathetic death rattle of the franchise. It's boring. It's dumb. It's cheap. I mean, unless you're into following boring assholes around as they stumble through one location with Fear Factor cams strapped to them, with lame-ass jump scares and fake-out scares in pixelated quality that subliminally slip in shots of Michael, in case you've (understandably) forgotten what you're watching.

And so, the movie that had the gall to call itself Resurrection ended up destroying the franchise as we knew it. The death rattle of this franchise sounds a little like Busta Rhymes making Bruce Lee noises as he kung-fu fights Michael Myers. (Which IS something that happens.) It also sounds a little like the Curly Howard noise Michael makes when Busta Rhymes puts a jumper cable on his nutsack and sets him ablaze. (Which IS something that happens.) Dimension really should have refunded people's money and sent them notes of apology.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later


I'm always surprised when I see horror fans diss this movie. To me, it's pretty much the only good sequel, the only truly well made sequel. Even though I could be accused of being biased, because director Steve Miner's two Friday the 13th sequels are two of my favorite movies of that franchise, he's come a long way since those movies -- H20 has a style and polish. People accuse it of being Scream-like, but...it has the gloss of that movie, the obnoxious kids-pulled-from-the-WB, but it's nowhere near as obnoxious and winky-winky. (It pushes the limits with the Psycho references, but those are mostly harmless. I could see people saying the recreations of bits from the first movie is too self-referential, but this was an anniversary movie, so some of those nods just had to be made.) My main problem with it is trying to ignore the idiotic retcon in Resurrection, and just trying to forget that dismal movie when watching this one, which is difficult.

The premise is simple, but good: we catch up with Laurie Strode after all these years, on the day of the year she most dreads. She tries to get by with numbing herself with drinks and painkillers, but as hard as she tries, the pain -- and Michael -- remains. And no matter how many times she tries to convince herself she's imagining things, she knows -- Michael is back and if she wants a shot at peace, she's going to finally have to settle things with him. The movie has a breezy running time, which makes me wonder if there's a lot of cut footage, but it wastes no time and doesn't bore you.

There are a couple of great moments in this movie, like when Laurie's trying hard to close her eyes and basically wish Michael away -- but, at some point, instead of vanishing as usual, his image keeps charging her way. Another of my favorite scenes is when her son and his girlfriend are pinned between Michael and a locked door, and as Laurie successfully opens the door, letting the two in to safety, she slams the door just in time from Michael, finally coming face to face with him and realizing her nightmare's come true. But my favorite scene is when Laurie sends everyone away from the campus, grabbing an axe, closing the gates and sealing herself in with Michael, with the Halloween theme song kicking on. It's such a badass moment, she's taking control of things, and there's such a finality to the movie from this moment on, it's a serious, damn, stinking, filthy, rotten shame that the horrendous diarrhea tsunami of a follow-up ruins it all.

If there's a weakness to the movie, it's that I often don't feel like I'm watching the past catch up with Laurie Strode. Instead, I feel more like it's Jamie Lee Curtis herself. (Like most Hollywood stars, Curtis reached a point where she just started playing a version of herself in most movies. Curtis is a cool, strong, gutsy lady, and that's what comes through most of her roles, and it's not a bad persona to have. She's a reliable performer.) I'll try to think of the Laurie Strode from the first two movies and just see Jamie Lee Curtis, and can't help but see her determination to be rid of Michael as representing Curtis' own ambivalence to the horror genre and its fans.

And it's this movie I was referring to before as having one of the stupidest decisions in a horror movie. Jodi Lyn O'Keefe's injured character decides to try to escape Michael by placing herself in a dumbwaiter. At least Jamie was just a kid when she made the stupid choice to hide in a laundry chute...

All in all, the idea for this movie is just brilliant, because things were looking grim for this franchise after ho-hum and flat out bad sequels, and this was a great way at getting interest and eyeballs back on the series. I have to wonder, though, if this movie would exist without Wes Craven's New Nightmare, as if Jamie Lee Curtis saw that movie and was like "Hey! For the 10th anniversary of Freddy, they got back the first movie's heroine and staff, let's do that with Halloween for its 20th!"

TO BE CONTINUED...